@UncleDuke1969
@brennadine One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
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@brennadine 
@BethsButt I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
@david8hughes I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
@Lilblack_heart roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
@abhorrent_wife There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
@capnmcfword I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
@SlabBaconBP Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
@419BillE Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
@TheRobCee Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
@KeetPotato wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?