i smell a pulitzer
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Feels like the fourth month in January
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
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I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
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I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok