i smell a pulitzer
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I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price