One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
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I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?