@UncleDuke1969

i smell a pulitzer

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@BethsButt

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

@david8hughes

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

@abhorrent_wife

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

@capnmcfword

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

@419BillE

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

@KeetPotato

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?