i smell a pulitzer
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I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.