why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
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Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Living the best life.. 😊
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!