Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
You Might Also Like
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
That’s fair
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
doing your own taxes
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school