Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
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I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”