Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

Me: *winks*

Him: *googles signs of a stroke*

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…

I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.

8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.

So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”

“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?

*At demonstration

*grabs megaphone – stands on car

‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow

Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”