Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
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Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.