Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
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I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
My time has come.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am