I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
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1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
im all 3
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no