Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
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4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
BRO LMFAO
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible