Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
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Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
That’s no pocket rocket.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.