Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
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me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.