What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
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I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
In Canada they just call them geese
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”