Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
You Might Also Like
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
how high up are we talkin’?
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not