He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
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Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Otters see a butterfly.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.