The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
You Might Also Like
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.