just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
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me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.