just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
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have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.