Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
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Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds