I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
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My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read