What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
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Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions