@pleatedjeans

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

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@CAshmanActor

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

@TheAlexNevil

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

@noog

Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?

@ThugRaccoons

Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?

Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.

Banker:

Me:

Banker: I’m in.

@DadandBuried

My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

@someonesmomma

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

@Reverend_Scott

Ok doc, give it to me straight.

“It’s cancer”

How bad?

“Really bad, you have 2 months.”

OMG

“APRIL FOOLS!”

Whew-

“You have 2 days.”

@Frediculous

My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”

@harikondabolu

Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US