“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
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Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
it was love at first sight
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.