it was love at first sight
You Might Also Like
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
the rocks need my help
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I hate my earbuds.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
😲 WTF? 😆
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
lmfao come on
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone