Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
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Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
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Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
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Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
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