As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
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One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
So that’s what we looked like?
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
what are they serving at kfc then???
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.