I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
You Might Also Like
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
greetings!
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college