I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
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[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
the world’s most popular steaming services
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Oops
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?