[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
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[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Swedish for common sense.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on