Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
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WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
started wrapping my pills in cheese
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…