i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
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Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH