Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
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Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
No one :
Me when I swimming :
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.