superman landing like a plane on his belly
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son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
So glad we cleared that up
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.