My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
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Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Owl Sanctuary
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.