Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
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ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…