A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
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[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork