A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again

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“What are you doing?”

“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”


20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib


Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*


Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.


My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.


Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.

Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….


One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”


“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article


Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it