Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
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Super Hand Dog Face
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG