My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
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Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Jail
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”