I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
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(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.