Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
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Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
as is their right
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
hmmm
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?