Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
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*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.