“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
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Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.