Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
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I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”