I know a bad idea when I see one.
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My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
become ungovernable
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*