Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
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I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
All. The. Damn. Time.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.