Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
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Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
👾👾👾
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”