I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
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ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.