I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
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me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I’ve had worse
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
my favorite genre of twitter
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡