My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
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The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
#Caturday
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.