For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
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All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”