WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
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My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
The government even made aliens boring
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth