Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
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I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared