DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
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If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.