DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
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Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words