professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
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I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
this is the greatest thing ever
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.